One Liners

Dallas Baillio · Post by **Dallas Baillio** » Sun Dec 08, 2013 8:33 pm

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

shezonit · Post by **shezonit** » Sun Dec 08, 2013 9:33 pm

OMG, THAT one made me burst out laughing...

Dallas Baillio · Post by **Dallas Baillio** » Mon Dec 09, 2013 8:07 pm

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

I have a feeling I should go into the witness protection program. Some of you may be tracking me down with murder on your mind

Dallas Baillio · Post by **Dallas Baillio** » Thu Dec 12, 2013 10:28 am

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Dallas Baillio · Post by **Dallas Baillio** » Thu Dec 12, 2013 10:42 am

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Steve kellogg · Post by **Steve kellogg** » Thu Dec 12, 2013 11:55 am

I used to do the Hokey Pokey but then I turned myself around.

Dallas Baillio · Post by **Dallas Baillio** » Sun Jan 12, 2014 11:29 am

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedburg

Dallas Baillio · Post by **Dallas Baillio** » Sun Jan 12, 2014 11:33 am

Mitch Hedburg was a very funny comedian who died in 2005 of a drug overdose. I'll add more of his jokes from time to time.

Dallas Baillio · Post by **Dallas Baillio** » Sun Jan 12, 2014 12:43 pm

Here is another by Mitch Hedburg. His routines are on You Tube and an Internet search will find many, many of his one-liners. Be aware that he uses a lot of profanity. Few, if any of his jokes. are sexual however. I've removed the profanity from this one.

I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Cut em up!"

Dallas Baillio · Post by **Dallas Baillio** » Sun Jan 12, 2014 12:53 pm

And, one more:

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Dallas Baillio · Post by **Dallas Baillio** » Sun Jan 12, 2014 1:35 pm

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

Dallas Baillio · Post by **Dallas Baillio** » Sun Jan 26, 2014 8:06 pm

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"

Mitch Hedberg

mockturtle · Post by **mockturtle** » Sun Jan 26, 2014 9:52 pm

Protect your bagels. Put lox on them.

mockturtle · Post by **mockturtle** » Sun Jan 26, 2014 9:59 pm

I dream of a world where a chicken can cross the road without having its motives questioned.

mockturtle · Post by **mockturtle** » Sun Jan 26, 2014 10:02 pm

That's not an oil leak, it's just marking its territory.